tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2009-11-11:/Diary of a break up and mid life overhaul...MokoFeed2009-11-11T02:52:18+01:00tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2009-07-08:/2009/07/08/rollercoaster-6472705/funkdifino2009-07-08T16:06:55+02:002009-07-08T16:14:39+02:00 <p>I didn't sleep or eat agin, I try but I feel so sick with loss. I drift off to sleep and forget, when I wake, soon after, I imagine he is lying there next to me..but he isn't. I feel like half of me is missing. The world is just noise and greyness I am tumbling down a deep hole. I get up very early and take the dogs along the canal to the sea. The salty air smells like my tears..which never cease.Everywhere are reminders of our long stoned walks. this is my favourite time of year when the banks are fat and green with foxgloves and yarrow and everywhere buzzes with life, but it feels desolate. I go to work I cry because the printer won't work. I tell my colleagues not to expect too much from me at the moment. It feels better to be out of the house.<br> Then he phones. My heart knocks so hard I feel it might burst. He says he is sorry, so sorry, he cries. He says he's sober, I believe him, I want to believe him. He says all the right things for once..that he can't hurt me anymore so he must try and sort himself in a place of his own. He recognises a lot of what he needs to do to get to the bottom of his pain and depression. But we can't be together, so I cry. Though I know he's right. I do too much for him. I am happy because it is really the healthiest solution. We agree to take the dogs out together tomorrow night. I can't wait to see him, I ache for him even though I know he isn't mine, never was.<br> I feel positive, like I can go on, even if we are just good friends. I manage a little lunch. Fork to mouth and<br> my friend Klee rings, he says the Poacher has just been round to his. he has told him that he is still drinking a bit, but can handle it.<br> Everything whites out for a moment.<br> He is still sitting drinking with that stupid bitch. Why does no one in this town understand what being an alcoholic is ? What it means? Have they never seen him go in a toilet with bottle of whisky down his keks and crawl out on his hands and knees five minutes later ?<br> Now it makes sense - he hasn't suddenly gained wisdom...he doesn't want to come home because now he has somewhere he is allowed to live and drink...until of course he quickly gets very messily out of control....<br> He is just trying to con me into remaining a possible means of support...and to get me to let him have Roma-if he is drinking-over my dead body. My dogs are my life. He has never fed them nor taken them to the vet. If I find out he is lying when I see him tomorrow, then it really will be the end of us even as friends.<br> Maybe I really am so unlovable that I can drive even homeless, desperate people away.<br> This is so draining..when will I be able to let go? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2009/07/08/rollercoaster-6472705/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2009-07-07:/2009/07/07/it-goes-on-6469105/funkdifino2009-07-07T23:26:36+02:002009-07-07T23:42:03+02:00 <p>Each day without hearing anything is interminable. I hear he is sober but he doesn't contact me. It hurts so much the co-dependent in me, that maybe I am not his saviour. I know this relationship is not entirely healthy for each of us. But we fit, I love him. I have to let go but its hard ripping out all those little fish hooks in my heart one by one. If this truly is over - sometimes it seems so, then my hopes arise- I have to get used to solitude. I can't face more endings, not for a very long time.<br> The dogs are confused and I dread him trying to take them- he isn't responsible enough- but I will struggle to look after them properly alone, whilst working.<br> Why did he need to fuck it all up again ? What was he trying to avoid or force ?<br> What a shit birthday. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/it-goes-on-6469105/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2009-07-06:/2009/07/06/will-i-never-learn-6462593/funkdifino2009-07-06T23:08:47+02:002009-07-06T23:18:44+02:00 <p>It was inevitable I suppose. Once again misplaced faith due partly to my desire to think the best of the people I am drawn to, and partly because the person in question chose to be a duplicitous weakling. This is the third of the Poacher's relapses, but is the last for me I'm afraid as I feel that he is truly destined for the park bench wallowing in white lightning and self pity. I did my best. It was never going to be enough to fill the hole he's been gnawing into himself for years. He is now shacked up with a woman to whom I poured my heart out yesterday...they are drinking together in her house even as I write this...her two kids watching mummy take in another drunk...until he steals her money and puts his fist through her walls, leaves her front door open and leaves fag burns in her furniture. I told her what he did this weekend and that those who enable his drinking are ultimately killing him...but she chooses to believe him with his glistening tear filled eyes...they are very hard to deny.<br> Whenever I have to go away or want to go and see my friends or do anything for myself he manages to sabotage it. Last month I had planned for ages to go to the Strawberry Fair with my mate , backstage passes etc. The night before he gets pissed at work, hits the head chef then drinks vodka walking back and starts screaming at me when he gets home. I try to throw him out, he screams in my face, I ring his Dad, he doesn't want to know. I threaten him with the police , weep and ask him why? He leaves with Roma, me clinging on begging him not to take her in that state. I don't sleep.<br> Later his brother rings me, he has Roma. Chris picked a fight with him and three others in the pub and got banged up for the night.<br> He rang me from the cop shop in the morning. He was sorry. Would I pick him up. He looked bloody awful. He had two black eyes and broken ribs. I couldn't leave him alone in my house, not just because he was ill, but I can't trust him. I tried to be understanding. He came. I drove over some speed bumps quite hard. I can't say I enjoyed the weekend, surrounded by pissed up hippies with a wincing desolate panda trailing around behind. He gets £100 pound fine . His pending appeal to get his driving licence back early due to sobriety is now dead in the water, his ex partner will use it against him in his access hearing. He is ashamed - he says, though I don't see a proper apology to his brother.<br> He has sunk deeper into depression ever since, no job, no money and he knows he has to steer clear of his drinking buddies. He broods. He won't go out. I run around in circles to try and motivate him. I find him the best psychotherapist I can afford. He is not happy , but he won't open up to me. I finally get him to the therapist. I go back in an hour expecting a sour face but he's smiling, seems positive. Has another appointment Monday (today).<br> Friday night he seems cheerier, goes to see his brother. When I ring him, he lies about the fact he's actually with his arsehole drinking mates as well. Tells me his brother has done some acid for the first time and should stay with him. I agree.<br> I have planned to go to Manchester to see mates, get a haircut and run errands the next day. He was supposed to come because it is Carnival day...a community day of binge drinking and settling old scores. He said he wanted to come, to stay out of trouble. Take the dogs up to his brother's in the morning to collect him. They have just got in. They are both totally wired. I kick off because he has fooled me again. He cries says I am being unfair. he has done 5 tabs of acid. We argue. We talk it through. It makes me late but we make things o.k , we kiss each other goodbye.He has decided to stay with his brother and protect the allotment from drunken vandalism.<br> Three hours later I am having my hair washed and he rings to tell me he has to explain something. I can't hear him, tell him I'll ring him back when I can. Just twenty minutes later and I've lost him...I can hear the alcohol suffuse his voice with rage and blame. I don't engage. He denies he is drinking.I do what I have to do. I ring again, explain that if he has had a drink he can't stay in my house. He knows the rules. He goes mental. He hangs up. All the way back my heart is pounding. My phone keeps going. I pull over. His brother is sobbing down the phone to me , I hear them screaming at each other then at me. I have to hang up. It is lashing with rain. What the fuck is going on? I get another call, he says he is cutting his fingers off one by one and I have to get there fast. I have been done for speeding twice in the last year, but its hard not to floor it and just get home.<br> I get a call from the police. They have Roma, she was found on a busy stretch of road near where I live. My heart is pounding I swing between terror and anger. The journey is agony. I get another call. He is going to kill himself, why have I done this to him. I can't speak. Tears pour down my face and a stone weight of grief crushes my chest. Why? Something snaps I tell him not to dare top himself in my house as I'm not fecking cleaning it up and turn off my phone.<br> I go to his brother's house, I'm too scared to go home alone. My camper van is parked outside. The Poacher has taken it and driven blind drunk to his brothers where he starts on me again. I am sorry to say I lose my temper. I tell him he is weak and that he needs to grow a set and stop torturing everyone who truly cares about him. He attacks his brother, he is raging, cowering in terror and howling like an animal by turns. He is threatening to hurt himself and destroy the house ( his brother lives with his parents -they are on holiday). He is incoherent. I can't calm him down. I call the police , I hope they can lock him up for a few hours again, let him sober up. They arrive, he is suddenly calm and they refuse to do anything other than get my van and house keys back. He turns as he leaves with them, and says he hates me and his brother.<br> We cry for a while. His brother says this is the last time. I haven't slept since.<br> For two days we don't know if he is dead or alive. In the process of trying to track him down I explain to the colluding woman what has happened, as someone said they had seen them together. She denies it. Offers sympathy. Someone else confirms it. I ring her ask her if he's drinking. She says "only shandy" I cry, she passes the phone to the Poacher he whines about how his brother and I have treated him, he plays to the crowd I can hear in the room. I hang up. I pack his things -anything he can't sell for drink anyway, and dump them on her step. I drive away heart hammering in my chest. In shock. So hurt and most of all feeling really really stupid for putting myself into this situation - being drawn to another lost cause...and paying the price. Back to square one only a lot poorer, two dogs in tow and a desire to move as far as possible from this town...but I have an MA to finish and a demanding job, and I have to grit my teeth and get on with it, trying as hard as I can not to get sucked into his games anymore.<br> As I only seem to be attracted to utter bastards ( despite the therapy it is very hard to ignore the physical attraction that is somehow intertwined with the vulnerability and lostness), I can't trust myself and must make a solemn oath to learn to deal with loneliness and no matter how long the night, avoid all physical relationships with men as I can't seem to differentiate decency from spineless deceit.<br> I cringe at what I once wrote about him, why on earth did I think I could save him? I cry at the photos. I love him very much, he can be so lovely, but it is futile. and painful.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2009/07/06/will-i-never-learn-6462593/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2009-05-02:/2009/05/02/been-way-too-long-6047744/funkdifino2009-05-02T22:04:36+02:002009-05-04T19:05:18+02:00 <p>I just realised how long it's been since I wrote anything herein ! I have to churn out two pieces of writing a week for my MA which leaves me barely capable of stringing a few sentences together...although..my taught sessions/ workshops will soon be coming to an end and I'm on my own to wrestle with my portfolio. I will need the idea of an audience to write for/to again soon.<br> I also need an outlet to spew forth my ire about that scourge of the poor and helpless..feckin<br> (anti) social workers. Travelling folk in my childhood rightly called em "the Cruelty".</p> <p>When I'm not arguing about story arcs and sonnets in workshops, I battle futilely on behalf of disabled people who are vulnerable to the easy manipulation of the parasitical care system :- so called Social Services and the commercial "Care" providers they commission.</p> <p>Just a tiny corner of a dysfunctional system:</p> <p>Disaster happens due to incompetence at a variety of levels within the care system, regardless of whether adult's or children's services. The system is overloaded and fragile however the direct honesty and transparency which could address some of the failings is traded for stalling and arse covering spin.</p> <p>Tell the truth - lose your job.</p> <p>Government enquiry (ie a scapegoat is blamed and sacked , a new White Paper sets out recommendations)</p> <p>White Paper recommendations and Human Rights over ridden by the bottom line of ruthless management of budgets slashed due to the destruction of our economy by bankers , lawyers and war mongering politicians.</p> <p>I am supposed to drag confused "service users" around the county to be consulted at a series of fake head patting exercises which cruelly infer that people will be listened to, whilst using people to massage the bullshit monitoring. </p> <p>I fail daily to protect the basic Human Rights of the people I work with whilst being sneered at by social workers who withhold information, use dirty tricks and play with people's lives as if they were dolls.</p> <p> Up to now I've been learning how it works here, who the ones who control it all are. I've kept pretty quiet. It seems they underestimate me. </p> <p>I'm keeping records. I'm listening and making extensive notes. I have my cameras and my microphones. He He He.</p> <p>Keep you posted.</p> <p>See my new bitch in photos....psycho terrier Bracken. The Poacher turned up with her one stormy Sunday night, wrapped in his coat with a death sentence hanging over her for ripping the ear off a Pomeranian.</p> <p>The bed is mighty crowded these days !</p> <p>Life still good. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2009/05/02/been-way-too-long-6047744/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2009-01-06:/2009/01/06/latest-poem-5333454/funkdifino2009-01-06T19:17:42+01:002009-01-06T19:17:42+01:00 <p>In Plumpton Woods </p> <p>Her long leap clears the beck.<br> A second, held by air,<br> perfect stretch of muscle,<br> carved from tail to muzzle.</p> <p>Snout to scent, a second’s<br> calibration sends her<br> off in an explosion.<br> Hind to fore legs scissor,<br> drumming silently<br> to our muffled ears,<br> but deep within blackthorn,<br> far beneath, in tunnels<br> linking burries, soil falls.</p> <p>Under an Autumn moon<br> silver etched hedges sway,<br> shivering, they whisper,<br> The midnight hunter’s prayer;</p> <p>Wind blow our milky stench<br> from buck and jenny doe,<br> sweep away, breath and step<br> so silently we go.<br> Wrap cotton round the moon<br> and cloaks of black for us.</p> <p>The wind, obliging, does.</p> <p>Leashed now, she strains, eyes bright,<br> inhales the loamy night.<br> Held fast against my thigh.<br> both crouching low to stalk,<br> through damp long grass, ten yards.<br> We hold and then ten more.</p> <p>I feel her silent yelp.<br> She tenses beside me,<br> I know to raise the lamp.</p> <p>Another twenty yards,<br> in the hedgerow’s shadow.<br> The scuts of two, no, three<br> flick up, some freeze and stare,<br> eyes illuminated.</p> <p>Ten yards, I slip the lead,<br> and her trajectory<br> describes a perfect arc<br> towards her chosen doe.<br> The others scatter wild.<br> It tacks from left to right,<br> panicking for cover.<br> The bitch stays on its heels,<br> coursing close,turning tight<br> abreast, she reaches, grabs<br> and fails, accelerates<br> with predatory grace,<br> turning so quick I fail,<br> to keep them in my beam,<br> for moments I am blind,<br> hearing the thrashing field.<br> I sweep the fatal light<br> in terror of her harm,<br> a broken leg or neck.<br> She can not stop her self.<br> I breathe as they fly past,<br> like beads on the same string.<br> She reaches, twists her throat,<br> already slowing down<br> the quarry in the turn.<br> Her jaws spring shut and lift,<br> a scream, her brakes are drawn.<br> Trotting back , she has to readjust<br> to hold the kicking prey.</p> <p>Softly she lays it down<br> Without a single mark,<br> much gentler than the male.</p> <p>I grasp it by back legs,<br> Pull the neck out and down,<br> until I hear a snap.<br> She comes close for petting.<br> I stroke her head and neck.<br> We salute the escaped,<br> and thank the fecund earth.<br> The moon is nude again,<br> revealing other paths,<br> and deeper in the woods,<br> beyond the edge of night,<br> we go.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2009/01/06/latest-poem-5333454/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-11-10:/2008/11/10/waiting-for-the-rug-to-be-pulled-again-5014044/funkdifino2008-11-10T18:44:29+01:002008-11-10T18:44:29+01:00 <p>Well I'm still here which is more than can be said than for some of the characters previously mentioned on this blog......The poacher managed to climb back on the wagon and spent a week in bed ill as hell with alcohol poisoning. he denied all the vile things he said when drunk ...which in short all referred to the ending of this relationship.....and though he never said any of the things a less jaded and cynical me would once have liked to hear, he did say he didn't want to be alone...and neither do I ...so we are still together...being kind to each other, never arguing , but me constantly waiting for him to inevitably up sticks and depart on an age appropriate adventure..which of course i could never get in the way of...</p> <p>So I still do battle with myself..... Why am I always made to feel so clingy....all I ever wanted was to be in a relationship with someone who had reciprocal feelings and wanted to appreciate mutual care....I have my own life....my own friends....Is a loving equal partnership an impossibility in the 21st century ?<br> I'm self supporting, self sufficient......aahh never mind...I finally accept that for some of us (most of us ?) this never happens...<br> Well it does...and then it proves to be an illusion and is ripped away....<br> Anyway poor me blah blah.....it isn't that tragic.....just annoying....<br> So I went into battle with those that gave him drink...and battle lines are still drawn as far as I am concerned...he agreed he needs to avoid the parasites he used to call friends....and I have accepted that I can't police his every move and it is up to him who he sees...but...two individuals in particular I can't forgive..on my behalf not his...they laughed at my pain.....I shake when I see them....<br> and now one of the drinkin buddies is dead....at 41....due to drinkin and drivin..and suddenly this tragic sad and lonely figure has become everybody's hero......<br> I can not attend the funeral..it is a farce...the drunken friends battling with the mother about where he should be buried...shameful !<br> Once again I bite my tongue...I have been to too many funerals this year.. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/waiting-for-the-rug-to-be-pulled-again-5014044/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-09-18:/2008/09/18/when-will-i-get-a-good-nights-sleep-again-4746089/funkdifino2008-09-18T17:14:27+02:002008-09-18T17:14:27+02:00 <p>I took Roma home with me last night to kind of say goodbye. We had a long walk and she cuddled up on the bed with me. My brain sifted and shifted and the things he said and did revolved around and around. I tried meditation, counting back from 1000. In the end I got up and wrote him a letter.<br> He had promised to get the dog early before I had to go to work...I didn't expect him..he didn't turn up. As early as possible I dropped off his stuff, Roma, and the letter, which basically said we all have to face our demons or at least try and I couldn't do it for him and wasn't going to enable his irresponsible life anymore.<br> I always saw myself as weak for getting into drugs in the first place but I gave up heroin at a slightly younger agethan he is, and coke ten years later, both were an addiction, both fed my self destructive urges, and once I thought about it last night....it wasn't people being kind that made me strong enough to stop, it was real friends who told me my shit stank....I understand the dynamics and the need, but I had no one pulling me out of the shit everytime I fecked up, he has to grow a set.<br> I have to focus on my life, which I find incredibly hard- true to co-dependent form. I had to lock my phone in another room to stop myself from checking it every five seconds and resist the urge to get up in the night and drive around the places he might be to drag the bottle from his hand.<br> My friend pointed out a simple fact. If you run after an awol dog it will just keep running away. If you run in the opposite direction it will follow you.<br> I'm running.....let's see whether he can jump down off his cross and pull himself together, and if I can<br> resist worrying and wondering about him all the time, and love those who show me love in return.</p> <p>t </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/09/18/when-will-i-get-a-good-nights-sleep-again-4746089/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-09-17:/2008/09/17/you-wore-me-down-4742272/funkdifino2008-09-17T21:07:18+02:002008-09-17T21:07:18+02:00 <p>Swerving and diving<br> you scuttle and creep,<br> hiding round corners,<br> avoidance techniques.<br> Duck every question,<br> pretend you don't hear,<br> fend off all contact<br> always unclear.<br> Lies coming easy<br> answers untrue,<br> twisting and turning<br> no holding you.<br> An outline so hazy<br> your'e just out of reach<br> I'm worn out by trying<br> not sure you are real<br> I need to untangle<br> because you can not feel.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/09/17/you-wore-me-down-4742272/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-09-17:/2008/09/17/failure-to-engage-4742203/funkdifino2008-09-17T20:53:41+02:002008-09-17T20:53:41+02:00 <p>I should have established the boundaries but somehow he managed to leave me hanging again...<br> I met him at his initiation -in a pub ! He didn't seem drunk but he was on something ( heavy duty downers it seemed like) and virtually incoherent so it was pointless. He admitted he needs to stop drinking but it wasn't very convincing and he's still full of self pity but oblivious to the pain he is causing to so many people. I didn't get so much as a half assed sorry...<br> He dashed off somewhere-he wouldn't say where or why after about ten minutes of throw away "of course I love you" blah bullshit.<br> Tomorrow I definitely try again and stick to my guns. He gets his stuff and a last wave.<br> If he uses it to justify going off on a bender, I won't feel guilty.<br> If he's looking for sympathy he'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/09/17/failure-to-engage-4742203/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-09-16:/2008/09/16/a-psycho-marathon-4737466/funkdifino2008-09-16T21:31:21+02:002008-09-16T21:36:58+02:00 <p>I ate calzone at a big meal with my friend the Italian psychotherapist & family & friends last night and thank god they made me laugh at myself and remember who I am and where I've been and what I know...and what I need and don't need.<br> I worked really hard not to try and contact Poacher or find out where he was. There were messages from his family through the day about suspected sightings-good and bad which kept the tension notched up, as I drove a round trip of four hours of very windy moorland road and had my head pulverized by 7 hours of intensive advocacy training . I had to let my (very new) manager know what was going on as I was a bit wobbly and wired as I hadn't slept at all for three nights. In the end it broke down some barriers and a few people got a bit weepy at certain harrowing sections of the training...<br> Then the Poacher sent a terse text to say he'd be at mine at 7. I didn't know what I wanted other than to find out exactly what happened and as far as possible why....though I already guessed impending responsibility was a major factor.. I prepared myself mentally to stay strong..and not to give in to my inner hurt baby...despite the fact that by the time he arrived the butterflies were overwhelming and i was shaking.<br> I knew immediately that he was still drinking from his belligerent expression and the red spots on his cheeks. I was so disappointed. He went off on his self pity tirade and I just listened, despite hearing things that no matter how true or insane, were hurtful and sad...he hasn't wanted to be with me for a while and was too scared to say anything because I went on so much about the actor and how badly he'd hurt me ...and sadly it's true... he did tell me face to face in the end, he at least had the balls to finally do that unlike the actor..<br> I was sad of course but I don't want to live like this anyway. Unfortunately he wouldn't completely admit that him having a drink was the problem...he still pretended firstly that he hadn't, then that it didn't matter, then that he hated everyone and himself and no one cared etc etc...I was wanting him to break down and face up to what had happened....but he didn't.<br> I then offered to drive him and his clothes to whichever doss house he was staying in, and he hesitated.<br> He started to calm a little, and I realised that even though we won't be together it doesn't matter, what is important is that he doesn't continue to drink. I showed him photos on my laptop of before and after rehab, as Jack (cheers) suggested. I also suggested if he wanted to destroy himself he should do the decent thing, and get it over quickly, instead of drip by drip and hurting other people around him.<br> He asked me to keep his stuff until he'd sorted his head (?) out, I told a little fib-that I wouldn't stick around to see him slowly destroy himself and had a flight booked to tomorrow......and if he wanted his stuff he had till then to decide if he could grow a spine and face life without drink or slither back into the bottle.<br> I'll let you know..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/09/16/a-psycho-marathon-4737466/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-09-15:/2008/09/15/ashamed-of-my-weakness-4732913/funkdifino2008-09-15T22:11:42+02:002008-09-15T22:11:42+02:00 <p>Ashamed of my weakness,<br> in showing my hurt<br> in screaming my anger<br> of feeling like dirt<br> your coldness disarmed me<br> your violence disturbed<br> your hatred and mockery<br> was so undeserved</p> <p>So I wait for an answer<br> that never arrives<br> and try and remember<br> how to survive<br> this sense that I'm<br> drowning and barely alive </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/09/15/ashamed-of-my-weakness-4732913/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-09-14:/2008/09/14/everything-falls-apart-4727996/funkdifino2008-09-14T21:54:54+02:002008-09-15T21:39:01+02:00 <p>In less than 24 hours everything you thought you had can be dashed away.<br> I am totally heartbroken and nothing seems to have any point. I sit here in my empty house, no Roma no Poacher and I am stunned with grief and stupified by my naiveity.<br> Last night, our 6 month anniversary, 5 months since he came out of rehab, the Poacher went out to hang around with a bunch of drunks, he ridiculously calls friends, who I can't stand him being around...for obvious reasons...though he knows what I think I don't bother to say anything, he does what he wants anyway.<br> He didn't take a key and I had no reason to suspect he would be out for long. By 1.30 am I needed to sleep so rang him. He said he would be back soon, he sounded a little over earnest , a little guilty.<br> By 3.30 I rang to say I was locking the door. I got a throw away text in reply.<br> By 8 am I hadn't slept for worrying and rang again, he was arrogant and rude..still I didn't want to believe the truth. I asked him to come and get the dog as I had to go out. He didn't turn up, he avoided me all day interspersed with rude and explosive phonecalls.<br> I asked him if he'd had a drink ....he denied it. I went out for a while then came back and demanded he face me. I met him near the stinking pit he was in, he stank of booze and when I broke down he spat at me and blamed me for making him drink by checking up on him and making him look small in front of his mates. Drunks always seem to treat the one who does the most for them the worst.<br> I am devastated.<br> I have gladly given months of constant care, affection and support , especially in the early days before rehab when he was quite vile...though never to me. He looked at me with hard eyed blame and hate today and bounced me off a wall.<br> I am putting his things in bags to hide with his family, as all the clothes and gifts I have bought him will soon be sold for drink.<br> Why he did it now I have no idea, though I do blame the parasitic drinkers who wouldn't leave him alone...I'll deal with them when I see them.<br> I went to the drunks flop house where he is staying and told his hosts thank you for destroying two people's lives overnight, they and the Poacher laughed at me. Their smirking faces are burned into my memory.<br> I am in so much pain. Why did I ever think I was stronger and more appealing than the feckin bottle.<br> I don't want to abandon him but I don't have the strength to do this if he treats me as badly as everyone else. I can't stay here and watch him descend into a bloated, bleary, belligerent, broken knuckled animal again.<br> Feck them for what they did to him. And feck him for choosing a bunch of tossers who wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire over me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/09/14/everything-falls-apart-4727996/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-09-13:/2008/09/14/where-to-start-4724155/funkdifino2008-09-14T00:16:18+02:002008-09-14T00:40:28+02:00 <p>Despite the precipitacious Summer, looking back at some photos demonstrates that there were some glorious days...and for once, not working meant I could make the most of them. It has been a great summer for me, giving me time to process so much and really take root here. I am in much better shape than I was when I arrived, blown in on bitter winds last Winter.<br> I have watched the estuary change daily, and revelled in every march and vista.<br> I have consumed vegetables grown from seed, eggs from chickens I have fed and treated for pernicious red mite. I have cherished and loved Roma from a tiny 6 weeks to her current lolloping 5 months. I have tried to love openly and remain myself, I have learned to love my friends more by letting them in more and giving more of myself. I have learned a lot and relaxed a lot. I miss some friends and have found others.<br> The poacher and I have been conjoined for 6 months and though not always easy in some ways....in terms of having to accept that it is temporary, it has been very easy in others and I have much respect for the strength of character and sweet nature of the man. To remain sober, whilst all around him are still drinking as their chaotic lives implode...he has done so well.<br> I stayed pretty much sober too..which allowed a bit of balance.....although I had one lost weekend in fancy dress at Solfest with my oldest friends, the highlight of which was dancing to Detroit techno at 4 in the morning between Buzz Lightyear, Wonderwoman (in drag) Hitler and Osama Bin Laden...much appreciated whilst in a slightly heightened state of awareness....( San was Bugs Bunny and I Tweetie Pie -see photos..)<br> I managed to be much more tolerant of the hippie thing......<br> I got my first speeding ticket....not bad considering how many years I've got away with it....<br> The Poacher and I are both working now, and maybe the pressures of that will affect and change our relationship....we will see.<br> I am working as an advocate for people with learning difficulties....challenging out of date and repressive practices is part of my job description .....yay...however we'll see how that works in the real world of accountants and funding streams......<br> My MA starts at the end of the month. Free loafing time is getting scarce...but at least the roof over my head is a little more secure.<br> We have another free food source in the form of the quality supermarket skip...more of that later...<br> The health issues I was so scared about earlier are resolved, my family well and on the whole I am so much more contented than I have been for years and years.<br> My greatest pleasure is to walk Roma and Bob together on the beach, and watch them run in giant circles across the sand, whilst the Poacher asks his unanswerable random questions about the universe.<br> Now all I have to do is generate the discipline to write when I'm happy......</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/09/14/where-to-start-4724155/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-07-28:/2008/07/28/didn-t-realise-it-had-been-so-long-4512185/funkdifino2008-07-28T18:54:39+02:002008-07-28T19:15:42+02:00 <p>Time really is flying....weeks whizz by and I'm hardly inside.... Roma is still tearing everything up and has decimated the back garden..though she is almost house trained. She drove us so mad that despite not having had her second set of inoculations , we have been taking her down the beach when the tide has gone out to get her running about....she also learned (accidentally) to swim this week ...she chased Bob into a channel and then realised her feet weren't touching the ground and desperately paddled her way back to shore....she has grown about three inches taller... My birthday was quiet but nice..with a couple of friends coming up from Manchester. I realised how much I miss the company of all my old friends and it left me a little unsettled. The friends I have here are lovely but young hence I have to be careful to sometimes keep quiet not to sound like a know it all. Being with friends nearer my own age was a relief... The Poacher neglected to even so much as pick me a bunch of flowers so he is having to do some serious making up at the moment....granted he's skint but he could have whittled me a whistle or something...just a gesture.....or am I being too precious?<br> My best friend's Dad sadly passed away just before my birthday. It has been a difficult time for her and her Mam and much as I've really enjoyed her being here, I wish the circumstances had been different....it has though, brought us closer together...and she is talking about moving back up here too , which would be great ...The funeral was entirely relevant to the man,very honest, and a proper tribute to her dad...there were no hymns nor religious twaddle just a bit of Fleetwood Mac and Englebert Humperdinck...and not a dry eye in the house. Back at the house I attempted to muck in with the tea making, but a crack team of old ladies took over and soon shoved me out of the kitchen.....<br> I am stunned at the strength and good grace shown by my friend and her mam and I only hope I can muster as much dignity when I lose a parent......<br> So all in all a busy and reflective time....and a fun one buzzing about in the Bongo! (my new camper van ) which probably warrants a page to itself...Yesterday I drove it over Wrynose pass (1 in 4 slope and very bendy and narrow road) As we had stopped for a tiny celebratory pipe at the top, it took me a few seconds to realise , whilst hurtling down the other side, that the side door was still open..and our bedding just about to be jettisoned .....Now the good weather has finally returned we had a wonderful weekend in some stunning scenery in the western less visited part of the lakes...and all the more fun for having Roma with us....she was somewhat perturbed when we disappeared into the roof space at bedtime...I heard her crying to go out at 5.30 in the morning and when I emerged from the upper level she went insane with joy....we then went for a walk through the early morning mist exploring all the smells and sights of a forest at dawn....dew on spiders webs , flowers just opening and deer grazing ....gorgeous! Then fried egg butties on Birk's Bridge for breakfast. I am so damn lucky to live here.<br> We also went to Flookburgh Steam Gathering , a magnificent meeting place of Great British Eccentrics, those unsung caretakers of the past who restore old lister engines, tractors, fire engines , military vehicles, steam rollers etc. ..I had the honour of seeing the one and only ever made 1970 Zodiac campercar !<br> and I saw the best Wall of Death I have ever seen...no safety restrictions or precautions whatsoever!<br> Check out the pictures ! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/07/28/didn-t-realise-it-had-been-so-long-4512185/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-07-03:/2008/07/03/a-new-member-of-the-family-4400111/funkdifino2008-07-03T22:35:05+02:002008-07-03T22:35:05+02:00 <p>I haven't been able to blog for the past few days...as we have a new addition to the family......<br> Roma has blue eyes and is seven weeks old today. She is a deerhound/greyhound x collie/whippet cross lurcher and is from strong working stock. The collie element in this combination adds intelligence in addition to the blind chasing instinct of the greyhound....she should grow to around 22 inches at the shoulder, and will be used in conjunction with the ferrets and Bob for rabbits, and with guns for pigeons and squirrels.<br> ...Although a working dog she has already charmed her way out of her cage and into our bed....toilet training is slow and her teeth are incredibly sharp....any description would not do her justice.......check out the photos..she was the last and smallest of a litter from Appleby...so it was fate really </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/07/03/a-new-member-of-the-family-4400111/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-25:/2008/06/25/respect-to-the-pony-club-hardcore-4361727/funkdifino2008-06-25T12:15:52+02:002008-06-25T12:34:02+02:00 <p>The poacher was working on a country estate last week, around the stables, with the completely nuts but highly amusing JC.<br> As there was an event on at the weekend I got drafted in for publicity purposes. This involved spending Friday driving down country lanes stapling posters to trees. After some time I realised that the posters I had already put up were already gone ...I waited in a thicket until low and behold, a small rotund gentleman of advanced years drove up and removed a poster I had just attached to an estate sign. When challenged he muttered something about horses and drove off, chucking the crumpled poster out of his van window. Thus I spent most of the day in a bizarre game of cat and mouse with a man who also worked for the estate ! ....creeping back and putting up posters on the same tree 3 or 4 times until one or both of us gave up. Bizarre!<br> The other element of my job, involved taking photos of the event (see unofficial ones in media) Unfortunately by 9.00 a.m on Saturday morning, gale force winds were lashing the yard with sheets of arctic rain, from then on I had to wipe the lens every three seconds...<br> It took the Poacher and three other assorted miscreants in high viz vests , several hours clinging desperately onto the guy ropes, to stop the hastily erected marquee from being whisked across the fell.....<br> Meanwhile the horse boxes and trailers arrived and diminutive riders in pink jodhpurs attempted to drag reluctant ponies into the storm....<br> The insane couple who run the gaff, strode about ordering jumps to be built which would collapse within seconds..bits of broken fencing to be cleared away or lanes to be blocked so no one could sneak in without paying.....JC's solutionto the utter chaos was to commandeer a tractor and to drive up and down the lane with a bottle of strongbow in his lap attempting to look busy.....whilst the rest of us had futile orders barked at us above the roaring of the winds...<br> The only refuge was JC's caravan....unfortunately it afforded no hiding place.<br> The Poacher and the other casual labour would sneak back to the caravan as often as possible for a pipe, fag or cider depending on their individual stress relief. Shortly after there would be a pounding on the door, the wind would slam it open and more pointless tasks would be given out by one of the several persons who all believed they were in charge.....and who all gave conflicting instructions....<br> Throughout all this joyful activity ...until 5.00pm Sunday, large women in horsey sweatshirts would encourage small girls to kick and cajole their large, pissed off ponies around the increasingly Somme like course....These women would stalk us all with tins of rock buns demanding we buy raffle tickets, in order to win some tatty old bridles or a Pony Club key fob. They were also in charge of the catering, and as far as food hygiene went, I was glad I'd brought a packed lunch.... they all had Labradors or flatulent Jack Russells, who thoroughly sniffed and licked all the burgers before they were served from underneath the gazebo, which ended the day upside down in a horse shit filled paddock...Obviously, as it had rained for two days solid, all the trailers and horse boxes were stuck, so two hours of wheel spinning, shit spraying, gear crunching, expletive hurling hard labour for a very pissed off group of casual labourers with one winch ensued....... ..INSANE !<br> I was so relieved to get home, light a fire and take my sodden clothes off.......I love horses...but nothing would persuade me to sit on one in a full on storm for 12 hours a day.......not unless my life depended on it.......Out of 300 sodden photographs only 50 were usable......but hey...they want me to make a training DVD next............<br> I also discovered on my saturated door mat, a letter from Lancaster University....I'm on the MA course after all...Hoorayyy!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/25/respect-to-the-pony-club-hardcore-4361727/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-20:/2008/06/20/the-new-rural-revolution-4341595/funkdifino2008-06-20T18:47:29+02:002008-06-20T18:47:29+02:00 <p>As part of the government's apparent intention of allowing rural areas to become countryside theme parks for the second home brigade......after months of campaigning by desperate local people...the closures of several small but vital local Post Offices were announced this week. This represents a disgusting disregard for the needs of rural communities, and a transparent refusal to carry out a genuine consultation process. It seems that as small villages become slowly re-populated by shiny brand new 4x4 driving (badly), second home dwelling tosspots who moan about cow shit in the road and beep when behind tractors....community resources such as local Post offices and schools which are vital for farming communities......are becoming under used and so " not viable".<br> Game and hunting laws become ever more draconian, and there is even talk of licensing Air Rifles..........<br> Second homers contribute nothing to the community and have a very negative impact.....even "off-comers" as my Dad would call them, people who move here permanently from urban environments, with some idealised view of the countryside, are changing the character of our small formerly farming communities....casting judgement on centuries old traditions of which they have no understanding, patronising the local communities and grabbing funding for their elitist and nepotistic interests which were meant for inclusive projects to engage isolated parts of communities.<br> Local people can no longer afford to buy houses near their families. For those who work in vital services this presents a huge problem.<br> I have alluded to this before....mark my words.....as resources become scarcer it will eventually boil down to the survival of the fittest...and in this area the fittest does not mean newly arrived wallpaper designers and lifestyle coaches in barn conversions who try and stop people using guns for pest control, try and gate up green lanes and drive their 4x4s like they own the feckin road........<br> There is a groundswell of unrest brewing....prepare for the imminent birth of The Indepedent Free State of Cumbria Militia....</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/20/the-new-rural-revolution-4341595/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-19:/2008/06/19/seeing-inside-myself-literally-4335810/funkdifino2008-06-19T11:03:10+02:002008-06-19T17:13:58+02:00 <p>So they rushed me through an appointment to the local Hospital for a Colposcopy yesterday.<br> Luckily I had a session with my therapist earlier in the morning. We discussed how I've always gone in to hospital and done stuff like this alone and how I feel a bit resentful than no one is ever arsed enough to come with me...then I realised I never ask because I hate to seem needy...but end up being more needy when it all gets too big and scary and the martyr mode kicks in !<br> She told me to not be afraid to ask for support, not be too hurt if I didn't get it and to ring her later if necessary... I also thought of the kind support I'd had on this blog...<br> I then rang my Mother and told her that I was going into the hospital, as expected she was obviously not listening as the telly was on in the background, I suppose I got a bit upset and finally spoke to my Dad ..who couldn't come with me as he had a bowls match (!) but volunteered my mother..<br> Then I thought about what it would be like to actually have my mother there :- anxious and tetchy and making her self the martyr...and thought ...hhmm actually I don't want her there.......<br> Anyhow with weird synchronicity - I rang my friend, whose Dad is dying, just to see how she was and turns out her Mum had an appointment at the same place and time ! -( All the appointments are for three o' clock and you all just sit and wait for your slot....)<br> So I drove us both down to the Hospital, and actually it was good to talk to her, I feel for her so much, and hadn't had the chance to tell her how sorry I was.. She has been with her husband almost fifty years. he built or fixed everything, his presence is everywhere in that huge house...and yet not, as he now lies dying in the hospice. It was good that she could talk to me. She is facing the future alone in her sixties and it terrifies her. Her honesty was humbling.<br> I got to go in really quickly and the nurses were lovely...as it is a tad disquieting stripping off, climbing onto the hi- tech straddle chair, then seeing the badger appear on a sony monitor...in glorious technicolour live and direct and then wahay up the pink tube to see your cervix winking at you...<br> At this point I probably should have looked away...the nurse showed me the almost (to me) indiscernible darker pink area and told me it would mean I'd have to have a biopsy as it looked like CIN evidence..although until testing she couldn't be sure...<br> Just as when a few weeks ago I almost got a coil fitted, the nurse said I might feel "a little sting".<br> Oh yeah ?<br> Now I wouldn't say I have a particularly low pain threshold ...I have had broken bones, beatings, tattoos..but I must have a very sensitive cervix ..and as I saw the little metal jaw attachment about to chomp a bit of me, I bloody jumped. ..Christ on a bike it hurt !... Then they dab it with silver nitrate to stop it bleeding..I shouldn't have looked but it was interesting...It's only a tiny spot but it's magnified hugely on the screen.....made me feel queasy though...<br> I don't think they get many requests for a photographic still...she did look at me a bit oddly...and no it will not appear on this blog..I have few boundaries ...but one has to draw the line somewhere.....<br> A cup of tea and two painkillers later I am being given leaflets whilst trying to pull my knickers up , and the nurse is talking me through the next stage - which should take place in three weeks if the cells are pre-cancerous... , which will mean more slicing bits off , but thankfully this time with local anaesthetic<br> (and a good bloody strong sedative I hope !!!)<br> Everything was cool until the nurse said the fateful words and she must have seen the horror on my face , as she laughed out loud.....If the next stage is necessary...NO SEX OR RUNNING FOR SIX WEEKS... OH... MY .....GOD !!!!!!<br> Life will have no meaning!<br> Well it will be a test of the poacher's commitment I suppose....and of my sanity.....<br> So I go back to the waiting room and my companion has also gone in. She comes out shortly, but has been told to wait to see the Consultant...so we sit ..and we sit into that stage of sitting where everyone else has disappeared and you start to believe they've forgotten about you......eventually she goes back in and half an hour later emerges ...and I can tell she's been crying.......<br> I take her home, and discreetly ring her daughter.....she has a problem ...not major, but enough to be a final straw for her at the moment. It puts all my self pity and anguish into perspective. I wait until her daughter, my friend, comes back and I brew tea.<br> I go and see my Mother and she in her emotionally stunted way manages somehow to articulate her concern.<br> I am late picking up the poacher and the poor lad is soaked to the skin....<br> I rush him home, run a bath and make soup..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/19/seeing-inside-myself-literally-4335810/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-17:/2008/06/17/not-a-happy-monday-4326930/funkdifino2008-06-17T13:20:48+02:002008-06-17T13:20:48+02:00 <p>Horrid day yesterday......felt crap all day and throat just got worse and worse & felt like I'd had a good kicking..and the Poacher didn't ring all day....and it was getting very late.and I started to imagine he and JC had been in an accident..as JC was driving and had stood on his bins a couple of days ago ....but they turned up around seven, filthy and covered in paint...he'd forgotten his phone....<br> I milked the self pity for 5 minutes but the bugger made me laugh, then made tea.....bless his darlin heart...<br> He said he'd look after me whatever happened....which was all I needed to hear.<br> So resting up today..managed to get a Doctor's appointment first thing & antibiotics script should I need them...(although I hate them and will only take them if I haven't managed to beat the buggering infection off with just the power of my antibodies by the weekend, as I have work and a photographic assignment with the huntin shootin fishin set.....at a weekend big horse event....)<br> It has been a shock to the system the Poacher working all week...I feel a bit lost...and not a little insecure about the young jodhpur wearing pony club set that hang around the yard. I never used to be the jealous type but since the actor my confidence got such a hammering I can't trust anyone anymore....I hope this is just a temporary state of affairs, as I know what happens when you hold on too tight......<br> I need to get working and involved again with other friends.....I just enjoy each moment with him so much.....I can not bear to think of being here without him in my life, but still having to see him....I suppose if the worst happens that's when I revert to the original plan and head for Brazil... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/17/not-a-happy-monday-4326930/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-16:/2008/06/16/the-great-cosmic-piss-take-4322691/funkdifino2008-06-16T14:14:35+02:002008-06-16T14:38:53+02:00 <p>So I'd gotten over the rejection from Lancaster University, not good enough apparently for their MA...not sure what they want if it isn't someone who has been writing all their life and has finally put everything to one side in order to take it seriously .....someone with references from writers and academics....who has edited well known poets....anyway I'd got over that....managed not to evoke class war sentiments again....or the paranoia that someone has put the boot in somewhere..........<br> I was enjoying my day to day existence in my new nicely developing life. In therapy I was facing my desires and fears about having children and being honest about what I really want,,,and seriously assessing if there was still enough time.....<br> After a wonderful, adventure packed three months together, the Poacher and I had talked and put ourselves on the list for a small holding on a local estate....with dreams of horses, goats, pigs,hawks, dogs, guns, quads, bikes and land rovers aplenty...<br> Some stability and a future together...for as long as it lasts.....<br> A huge step for me as I said after the double whammy of relationship break up and being homeless, that I would never live with a man again....I am still so insecure in this relationship, as previously mentioned - because of the age gap, my history of fuck ups, his golden radiance and because of the number the actor twat did on me...but generally speaking I was happier than I have ever been......and fitter and healthier...<br> Then a subtly phrased letter from the clinic..."abnormalities in a recent smear".....Firstly it was feckin weeks ago - why the bastard delay ?<br> Secondly...Why do they post them to arrive at the start of the weekend so you have to wait until Monday morning to find out exactly what kind of "abnormality: we are talking about here ?<br> Finally I discover it is a fairly serious kind of abnormality, and now I await a hospital appointment for a biopsy...whoop de fookin doo !<br> Generally speaking I don't do hospitals......filthy rotten places full of germs....<br> I have to decide whether to tell anyone until I know what exactly the problem is....I have faced all the most serious shit in my life alone...so it seems fitting that I should do likewise this time....I can't stand being vulnerable around other people, again less so than ever after the actor's evil head game shit.<br> Don't know what to think or feel.....just as I was becoming ready to commit to a last ditch attempt at becoming pregnant. Guess it's true ;- you never really know what you want until you can't have it.<br> If it is more serious than the loss of my fertility- which rips me up anyway - .....I can't have him or anyone else feel that they have to look after me...I'll bugger off for a last goodbye to the planet...a semtex vest and take a few likely candidates with me....<br> Forgive the morbidity....I had convinced myself over the weekend that it was nothing.....this morning's news has been a shock....and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it...I can only write.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/16/the-great-cosmic-piss-take-4322691/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-08:/2008/06/08/horse-fair-4290463/funkdifino2008-06-08T22:42:28+02:002008-06-16T15:28:01+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Well after yesterday's escalation of paranoia I went for a run after shrieking down the phone at the poor poacher like some kind of hysterical harpy. Suffice to say we sorted it out quite quickly and with his sweet ways he deflated my bubble of insecurity pretty quick. Phew..thinking seriously about life without him and all I have gained through him, made me very very sad.<br> It's funny how some people just know how to be with you instinctively when you're all over the place and others just escalate the situation by making it all about them...or ..taking the piss or saying nothing.....<br> So once crisis over we went up the allotment where we found Rich and JC just about to make a visit to Tony the Pig to buy more chickens...<br> We got the chickens and we also got four Indian Running ducks ! ....they're comedy gold ...running everywhere in tight formation quacking away...I<br> On the way home I found a battered Jackdaw which had been hazed in the big crow fights which are going on at the moment, half its tail feathers were missing. I shoved it in a ferret box, took it home and went off collecting insects for it, made it a nest and left it in the shed. I called it Glove as when I first saw it I thought it was a lost pair of gloves.<br> Unfortunately when I went to check it at 6.30 this a.m it was stiff as a board. So it will add to my skull collection...currently being collected for animation purposes. I am trying to find out about preservation and curing of dead animal skins.<br> And so to one of the most important days of the year ! The annual pilgrimage to the Horse Fair...<br> Off we all toddled, too early to be properly organized, up to Appleby.<br> It's always busy there when the weather is as good as it was today....but I've never been up on the weekend I usually go mid week...and Jesus was it was rammed. If we hadn't got parked up by 9.00 it would have taken hours to get through the crowd of bareback riders, sulky & trap drivers, ice cream scarfing rubber necking tourists and all manner of Traveller contingents from across the country.<br> Sunday is obviously posing day...naturally the Fair hums with hormones..all them young people looking to find a suitable mate, all half naked bare back on horses in the river....and the overpowering scent of anarchy in the air...it's a heady mix. The coppers looked red faced and frustrated as they are so out numbered and ancient by laws mean for a few days there is really very little they can do.....whilst every traveller and pissed up wide boy in attendance takes the piss as much as possible.<br> A new departure this year...or maybe just a Sunday thing, was the super-tanned & over made- up girls all dressed from 12 years up like eastern european pole dancers.....though some still stuck to their jeans and gaiters thank god. The lads generally favour bare chests, mullets, tuffa boots and riding whips....sometimes a flat cap or trilby and heavy gold for both sexes.<br> The usual glitzy schmaltz was on sale...genuine (!) Armani tracksuits for a tenner, solid gold rolex watches for twenty quid. Godawful flouncy nets and Chanel bedspreads..Irish hybrid Gypsy Grime and Country and Western competing through cheap speakers..2 CDs for a fiver.. the Fortune Tellers and Card Sharps still managing to drag people into their particular game....so much to see and chuckle at.<br> We had a great day watching the trotters and dreaming of affording some of the bigger horses...and talking about getting land between us....and of course I was taking photos, and meeting up with people...I would have stayed into the evening and jammed into the pubs to listen to the songs and stories but my companions are not used to so many people all together and were ,as men, a little worried about the (likely) odds of something kicking off....so we spent an hour trying to drive through the mass of whistling, laughing, galloping, barking, crying hordes and trundled on our way.<br> I'll stick up some photos tomorrow, as I doubt my words could ever do it justice.<br> Managed to lay to rest some demons too...part of what I think yesterday may have been about. I felt a little wobbly before getting there, remembering the year before last...but once there I felt I belonged much more and was at ease far more than when I was there with the actor....a familiar feeling in many settings...and something of a relief....and this time when a fortune teller tried to grab my hand and tell me "something very important" I just laughed and walked away.</span></span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/08/horse-fair-4290463/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-07:/2008/06/07/cauterize-this-foolish-heart-4284310/funkdifino2008-06-07T10:33:06+02:002008-06-07T10:33:06+02:00 <p>Cauterize this foolish heart<br> which will not learn its lesson<br> wrench it from my sagging breast<br> end this strange oppression<br> It beats too fast<br> It fills too full<br> It aches and throbs and flutters<br> It acts alone and takes control<br> and leaves me in the gutter.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/07/cauterize-this-foolish-heart-4284310/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-07:/2008/06/07/hello-heartache-4284230/funkdifino2008-06-07T10:13:49+02:002008-06-07T10:35:48+02:00 <p>This week is pretty tough in terms of anniversaries, and the Horse Fair in particular is an event which resonates with painful memories.<br> Only two years ago this weekend I chose to throw my lot in with and put my trust in an insubstantial mirage, a shadow, after what seemed then like the romantic fulfillment of 6 months of feverish infatuation.<br> With hindsight it seems more like desperation to feel something again and temporary insanity, and all I remember now, is telling my then partner of 12 years that I was leaving him and watching him crumple and having to try and stay strong when I felt like the earth was spinning too fast and I was going to pass out. I regret so much of what happened and the fact that my life slowly imploded from that point. I know I wasn't happy before, but I lost so much in the process, it was done all wrong. So there is the context.<br> Add the hideous demise of the illusion that I ran to, in the worst most humiliating drawn out way.<br> Now add a poacher, bless his heart who really doesn't know what he wants and is happy for the moment bimbling around with me but the minute something more interesting pops up, he's off. Last night I left him at the allotment with his brother and as always when he's around drinkers, worried not that he would succumb necessarily,but more that someone might spike him. So waited to hear he was safely home....<br> I went to see friends that I have neglected and it was nice except we are all feeling for one friend whose father is dying and there is so much pain there too. It puts things into perspective as they say.<br> I feel for her so much and don't know what to do for her.<br> And the poacher didn't ring.<br> So I haven't slept.<br> The poacher rings at 8.30 this morning. All he can think of is he wants to get a rescue dog out of the paper, which means he won't be able to spend so much time at mine, and maybe not come to the horse fair......yeah and vet bills for me to pay for on top of everything else...without even discussing it...<br> Brush off ? I don't know but it certainly doesn't feel like my needs are being met at the moment.<br> Maybe I should end this before I waste anymore love on someone who doesn't really want it.<br> Why do I make it so easy? Even after all that's happened I try and anticipate the needs of others and fill them because that feels natural when I love someone, instead of holding back and protecting myself more.<br> I think the best of people, and wrongly assume they will express love in a similar fashion...or any fashion... when experience has taught me that most people think only of themselves...rightly probably. it is only fuck ups like me with no sense of self who lay down and ask to be stepped on time and time again.<br> I am a rationalist so how do I get so deluded about love and there being a soul mate for each of us out there when It is clearly bollocks, and people insist on pretending they love you just because it is somehow easier or gives them a sense of power ...why?<br> I will be strong and go to the Horse fair alone if needs be.</p> <p>I need to go for a run and let the wind dry my tears before I do anything. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/07/hello-heartache-4284230/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-05:/2008/06/05/news-4277644/funkdifino2008-06-05T19:33:04+02:002008-06-05T19:33:04+02:00 <p>As the city sleeps<br> ideas are dreamt,<br> which rise to condense,<br> in the cold around the moon<br> and stars,<br> to form words,<br> which trickle down chimneys<br> and create tomorrow's<br> news.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/05/news-4277644/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-05:/2008/06/05/poorly-poacher-4277277/funkdifino2008-06-05T18:15:10+02:002008-06-16T14:51:20+02:00 <p>Either I've worn him out or the poacher is sickening for something.....he's slept for two days and hardly eaten...He is the sort of man who never goes to doctors though, he cut his hand at the allotment one time and blood was literally spurting out of the wound for several hours...he just wrapped it up, and though it opened up a few times, it did heal fine.<br> There's no point fussing around him.....I sometimes forget that it's only a couple of months since his liver was about ready to throw in the towel....guess the body takes a while for the immune system to get properly strong again. I blame Monarch airlines for keeping us hanging around in Barcelona airport for twelve weary and expensive hours....breathing in hideous re-cycled air, eating overpriced shite airport cack....but I shouldn't complain...considering fuel price hikes it was a ridiculously cheap holiday......<br> On the subject of fuel........full support to the M6 demonstrators today...though I don't believe it will be even acknowledged.......The way forward may well be recycling chip fat etc to make bio diesel.........looking into the possibilities.........in the meantime I have blagged a cannibalised bike from my chum.....<br> I used only a bike for transport right up until 1997 when I started teaching and carrying an office around daily....and after sliding slowly down the front of a number 53 bus, realising death by blind drivers was imminent....<br> I really enjoy riding a bike and here there are sneaky green lane routes which keep you off the main roads...another great reason for living here.<br> The only problem now is managing to stay here....I'm not claiming and the bulk of the equity from the house I sold is gone......so I need to find gainful employment. The problem is I have lost all interest in being inside, anywhere near computers or people wearing suits.......<br> All ambition has fled and I realise how little I need to feel content...I also realise how stressed I was before working 60 hours a week plus. I can never do this again...I never want to go back to that half life....<br> My mission is to find a better balance....a way of grafting which also doesn't sap the will to live......... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/05/poorly-poacher-4277277/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-06-03:/2008/06/04/still-no-roof-on-the-greenhouse-4265595/funkdifino2008-06-04T00:33:12+02:002008-06-20T19:27:55+02:00 <p>We've been scouting for a suitable roof material for the botch greenhouse...but thus far...nowt in local skips! Why can you never find crappy old UPVC windows when you need em?<br> So we've been dingying on Coniston again, terracing the allotment and today visited White Scar Caves in North Yorkshire...............I was impressed when I was eight....less so today...£7-50 to bend double up a slippy cave system whilst being wittered at by a deranged guide.....glad I robbed a fossil last time I came now.<br> We are gearing up a large posse for The Horse Fair which starts Thursday. Travellers from all over the country are on their way to Appleby to show off, race and sell their horses, plan weddings, sing, gamble, gossip, fight and do all the deals that need to be struck at a place which just for a few days becomes free, run in the old ways subject to no laws...there being precious few such places and times left... Will post photos next week.. Can't wait..though I know it will make me itch to get a pony and a waggon and hit the road...in fact the poacher and I have discussed it..... neither of us wants the rat race.....and fancy the nomadic life for a year or two......To be self sufficient on the road though I might have to rethink the vegetarian diet......<br> The jill is pregnant...so I'll have me own polecat ferret soon !! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/06/04/still-no-roof-on-the-greenhouse-4265595/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-05-29:/2008/05/29/willful-but-beneficial-neglect-4243171/funkdifino2008-05-29T16:46:42+02:002008-05-29T16:46:42+02:00 <p>Ah I have neglected my writing for two months due to the uncommonly good weather and company. I'm afraid my potatoes, onions, cabbages, rhubarb, leeks, beans et al have been vying for my attention, as has salmon & saute potatoes fried on a fire beside a glass calm lake, watching ferrets and a terrier work together to catch rabbits, introducing a couple of cockerels in with the chickens, and a brief but lovely trip to Barcelona & Tarragona.<br> The poacher and I are thick as thieves and building up the allotment empire..he has many plans ..Harris Hawks, bike restorations, foraging recipes...I didn't get onto the MA course which briefly knocked me back and had me blaming my flat vowels and shit education.....who knows why..but I need a plan B.....<br> I need to write ..but do I need anyone to teach me how ?<br> The story I submitted as part of the MA application was recently published ...so maybe I could save myself the cash and bullshit.....<br> I actually got a partial repayment of debts from the actor...but the cheque was accompanied by a truly delusional piece of sanctimonious crap.....and he refuses to return the camera !<br> I have tried to be forgiving and generous but as time passes my anger towards him and my clarity of vision of just what he did hardens . It will be an unlucky day for him should he ever cross my path again.<br> I missed my blog. I have become a little too dependent on another ..which is never wise..I have thought much about the wisdom of this relationship and already shown my insecurity to him.<br> This is why I curse the actor..for fostering in me this inability to trust.<br> Childish and self defeating as it may seem I really hope he is reaping all that he has shown in his shallow, selfish, calculating, self absorbed life up to now.<br> I must go for now.....naked typing in the garden listening to the myriad of tweeting birds is idyllic but I have mouching to do with the poacher...we have a half erected greenhouse made entirely from bits of old windows and stuff..and need a few more bits to finish it off and house my tomatoes.<br> It's good to be back....many photos to upload!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/05/29/willful-but-beneficial-neglect-4243171/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-04-08:/2008/04/09/700-miles-too-far-4018530/funkdifino2008-04-09T00:14:28+02:002008-04-09T00:14:28+02:00 <p>I have done a round trip of a 100 miles every day this week to see him in rehab. He is doing amazingly and is officially detoxed and off medication....I have enjoyed spending this time with him ...he is so funny ..and just as manic...though a bit more coherent....but really what am I doing ?<br> Second teenage ?<br> I have had some time to myself this week but have been thinking during these 700 miles.....those little voices should not be ignored this time...Why do I repeat this pattern of someone else's life gradually taking over my own, until the things I want and need to do are squashed into times at the convenience of others........I was getting so organised....I don't want to lose control of my life this time..it is horrible the way I lose sight of all my personal desires and goals when I fall ...need to pick this apart more....No one asks this I surrender myself ..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/04/09/700-miles-too-far-4018530/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-04-04:/2008/04/04/shadow-of-a-former-fear-3997125/funkdifino2008-04-04T23:15:55+02:002008-04-04T23:15:55+02:00 <p>The poacher looks better everyday, he is so charming and funny and we can really talk now......I am falling for real and it makes me sad because I know I can not hold on to him, have no right to. Also I can never really believe any one again after the actor...or maybe it's still a bit too soon.....I can't imagine being angry with him at the moment because whatever happens he isn't petty at all...just naturally warm and open....<br> He shines, glowing with good nature and mischief...he is irresistible....and I can not expect him to stay too long with me..why should he ?...<br> I see elements which are a repeat of the actor situation, except this time I won't stick around and try and save it when he loses interest and has gained everything he wanted..How could it be any different ?... I have to go into this realistically if at all. I can't whinge and cry when he does what is only natural for a young man with everything ahead........and this time bow out gracefully....when it's time.....nothing lasts for ever...and finally I realise why should it? Security in any form is an illusion we have become suckled with over the past few decades......<br> All things will end.<br> Until then I'll just try not to catch sight of us together in any mirrors .....and not be too blinded by another dose of the dreaded disease that I stop focusing on the good work I had started, I should know by now, the more you give in to the demands the less respected you are....So you might as well do what you need to do .......I thought my immune system had got stronger after last time......</p> <p>Love is always a blessing - we learn so much from it...or can if we choose to.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/04/04/shadow-of-a-former-fear-3997125/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkdifino.blog.co.uk,2008-04-02:/2008/04/02/age-just-a-number-3988432/funkdifino2008-04-02T23:42:54+02:002008-06-19T17:21:14+02:00 <p>I sound like an apologist I know, for mid life crisis age gap relationships...but this time it seems a bit different.....</p> <p>The Poacher is actually one of the most grounded and independent men I have ever met...regardless of age....</p> <p>Unlike the actor he doesn't look for problems or always assume I am being patronising and get all resentful..</p> <p>Unlike the actor he is not easily intimidated, competative or jealous...</p> <p>Unlike the actor he doesn't wheedle like a spoilt child when he wants something...</p> <p>He is not passive aggressive.....</p> <p>He is not controlling.....and impossible to please..</p> <p>He is not scared of hard work...and knows how to fix stuff......</p> <p>He is very sociable and can talk to, and charm anybody despite being shy....He really makes me laugh......</p> <p>He is not a pretentious, narcissistic or deluded....</p> <p>Despite the baggage he is very very easy to get along with....very easy to love.....</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkdifino.blog.co.uk/2008/04/02/age-just-a-number-3988432/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>