I took Roma home with me last night to kind of say goodbye. We had a long walk and she cuddled up on the bed with me. My brain sifted and shifted and the things he said and did revolved around and around. I tried meditation, counting back from 1000. In the end I got up and wrote him a letter.
He had promised to get the dog early before I had to go to work...I didn't expect him..he didn't turn up. As early as possible I dropped off his stuff, Roma, and the letter, which basically said we all have to face our demons or at least try and I couldn't do it for him and wasn't going to enable his irresponsible life anymore.
I always saw myself as weak for getting into drugs in the first place but I gave up heroin at a slightly younger agethan he is, and coke ten years later, both were an addiction, both fed my self destructive urges, and once I thought about it last night....it wasn't people being kind that made me strong enough to stop, it was real friends who told me my shit stank....I understand the dynamics and the need, but I had no one pulling me out of the shit everytime I fecked up, he has to grow a set.
I have to focus on my life, which I find incredibly hard- true to co-dependent form. I had to lock my phone in another room to stop myself from checking it every five seconds and resist the urge to get up in the night and drive around the places he might be to drag the bottle from his hand.
My friend pointed out a simple fact. If you run after an awol dog it will just keep running away. If you run in the opposite direction it will follow you.
I'm running.....let's see whether he can jump down off his cross and pull himself together, and if I can
resist worrying and wondering about him all the time, and love those who show me love in return.

t