I ate calzone at a big meal with my friend the Italian psychotherapist & family & friends last night and thank god they made me laugh at myself and remember who I am and where I've been and what I know...and what I need and don't need.
I worked really hard not to try and contact Poacher or find out where he was. There were messages from his family through the day about suspected sightings-good and bad which kept the tension notched up, as I drove a round trip of four hours of very windy moorland road and had my head pulverized by 7 hours of intensive advocacy training . I had to let my (very new) manager know what was going on as I was a bit wobbly and wired as I hadn't slept at all for three nights. In the end it broke down some barriers and a few people got a bit weepy at certain harrowing sections of the training...
Then the Poacher sent a terse text to say he'd be at mine at 7. I didn't know what I wanted other than to find out exactly what happened and as far as possible why....though I already guessed impending responsibility was a major factor.. I prepared myself mentally to stay strong..and not to give in to my inner hurt baby...despite the fact that by the time he arrived the butterflies were overwhelming and i was shaking.
I knew immediately that he was still drinking from his belligerent expression and the red spots on his cheeks. I was so disappointed. He went off on his self pity tirade and I just listened, despite hearing things that no matter how true or insane, were hurtful and sad...he hasn't wanted to be with me for a while and was too scared to say anything because I went on so much about the actor and how badly he'd hurt me ...and sadly it's true... he did tell me face to face in the end, he at least had the balls to finally do that unlike the actor..
I was sad of course but I don't want to live like this anyway. Unfortunately he wouldn't completely admit that him having a drink was the problem...he still pretended firstly that he hadn't, then that it didn't matter, then that he hated everyone and himself and no one cared etc etc...I was wanting him to break down and face up to what had happened....but he didn't.
I then offered to drive him and his clothes to whichever doss house he was staying in, and he hesitated.
He started to calm a little, and I realised that even though we won't be together it doesn't matter, what is important is that he doesn't continue to drink. I showed him photos on my laptop of before and after rehab, as Jack (cheers) suggested. I also suggested if he wanted to destroy himself he should do the decent thing, and get it over quickly, instead of drip by drip and hurting other people around him.
He asked me to keep his stuff until he'd sorted his head (?) out, I told a little fib-that I wouldn't stick around to see him slowly destroy himself and had a flight booked to tomorrow......and if he wanted his stuff he had till then to decide if he could grow a spine and face life without drink or slither back into the bottle.
I'll let you know.....