In less than 24 hours everything you thought you had can be dashed away.
I am totally heartbroken and nothing seems to have any point. I sit here in my empty house, no Roma no Poacher and I am stunned with grief and stupified by my naiveity.
Last night, our 6 month anniversary, 5 months since he came out of rehab, the Poacher went out to hang around with a bunch of drunks, he ridiculously calls friends, who I can't stand him being around...for obvious reasons...though he knows what I think I don't bother to say anything, he does what he wants anyway.
He didn't take a key and I had no reason to suspect he would be out for long. By 1.30 am I needed to sleep so rang him. He said he would be back soon, he sounded a little over earnest , a little guilty.
By 3.30 I rang to say I was locking the door. I got a throw away text in reply.
By 8 am I hadn't slept for worrying and rang again, he was arrogant and rude..still I didn't want to believe the truth. I asked him to come and get the dog as I had to go out. He didn't turn up, he avoided me all day interspersed with rude and explosive phonecalls.
I asked him if he'd had a drink ....he denied it. I went out for a while then came back and demanded he face me. I met him near the stinking pit he was in, he stank of booze and when I broke down he spat at me and blamed me for making him drink by checking up on him and making him look small in front of his mates. Drunks always seem to treat the one who does the most for them the worst.
I am devastated.
I have gladly given months of constant care, affection and support , especially in the early days before rehab when he was quite vile...though never to me. He looked at me with hard eyed blame and hate today and bounced me off a wall.
I am putting his things in bags to hide with his family, as all the clothes and gifts I have bought him will soon be sold for drink.
Why he did it now I have no idea, though I do blame the parasitic drinkers who wouldn't leave him alone...I'll deal with them when I see them.
I went to the drunks flop house where he is staying and told his hosts thank you for destroying two people's lives overnight, they and the Poacher laughed at me. Their smirking faces are burned into my memory.
I am in so much pain. Why did I ever think I was stronger and more appealing than the feckin bottle.
I don't want to abandon him but I don't have the strength to do this if he treats me as badly as everyone else. I can't stay here and watch him descend into a bloated, bleary, belligerent, broken knuckled animal again.
Feck them for what they did to him. And feck him for choosing a bunch of tossers who wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire over me.
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trintrin1x
- 2008-09-14 @ 22:28:39
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funkdifino
Pro - 2008-09-15 @ 21:30:35
Thankyou for your comment. It is now Monday night I have heard nothing from him. I didn't sleep all night for replaying the horror of the evening in my mind and the sick feeling in my belly and am exhausted and still reeling from his cold behaviour which was totally unwarranted. I want to pick up the phone and ask him just what in hell is going on, but I know he won't be straight with me and will try and avoid the shame of what he has done by attacking me and I'm to tired. Guess it's over I just can't get the image of he and his vile so called friends laughing at my distress.
Another one bites the dust. I never feckin learn...I doomed myself with the previous post which said I have to be unhappy to write...-
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trintrin1x
- 2008-09-15 @ 23:41:10
Don't ever put yorself down,you tried your best and must have the patience of a saint, it's just a pity he can't take off those blearie eyed glasses and see how it affects YOU!, I grew up with alcoholic parents and my 2 sisters left as soon as they could but i stayed until i was 21,when i was getting married. I know how i felt about my parents i loved them with all their faults and growing up with the arguments,trips to the ER,getting slagged at school,never having any money, i don't suppose i would change it for the world.
But as they say there is always one who follows suit and i'm afraid thats me,i'm not a raving alki but have a few beers every night, so i am just another statistic, but i believe he would be a fool to waste everything he had with you, because he will not get someone else who will be so supportive,sorry for such a long answer, hope u get some happiness for youself and take care! Trina
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funkdifino
Pro
- 2008-09-17 @ 01:11:59
Thankyou so much for your amazing honesty, I too have alcohol running through the veins of my family and it has made for interesting times..hence I don't drink much.....I can't give up on him totally but at the same time I've been here before and unless he can try and help himself no one else can do jack. Some people are just made that way..Self medication is always a choice...I just don't want to witness it with people I care about. xxxxx
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I know that there is nothing that I can say to take away the pain that you now feel but try to remember, not only,that people think well of you but also that you have shown such kindness to this young man and that you genuinely made a difference to him over these last six months. Perhaps, he will see that for himself soon when he finally sobers up and relises the enormity of what he has done.
All the best,
Tim x-
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funkdifino
Pro
- 2008-09-15 @ 21:59:29
Thank you Tim,
I have to face it...young is the operative word.....He was due to start a job today and part of me thinks this was just a swerve to avoid it and any whiff of responsibility. He has been peddling his self pity to anyone who'll listen today apparently. I said in an earlier blog, that after the last time I would gently let go when required this time....but just like last time with the actor it has come out of the blue, after a wonderful day, and I have been given no explanation. I know I don't deserve this. I have been happy with him, but if I'm honest in a fairly limited way...though that was fine. I am too sad to look at the pictures of Summer now.
I never planned to fall so hard for him, as in many ways he is such a time waster and bull shitter, yet very engaging, with amazing eyes. I miss Roma just as much and feel excluded all over again.....from the allotment, from town and from Roma.
I just wish I could sleep. I also wish I hadn't gone looking for him last night...I could have saved myself the pain, but I find it hard to wait when something is eating at me.
Hope your relationship is fruitful and balanced x -
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once he hits bottom realisation will hit home of what he has done ..the virus that is in him has taken over ..recovery is not an easy route..it is a route that only he can find..i admire you for the way you stood beside him for i know it is something i could not or would not do.
take pictures of him now so that when the virus subsides and he crawls to you for forgiveness make him see his own reflection so that he knows where he will end up.. good luck hun...may your strength take you on the right path. -
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roynelson
- 2008-09-15 @ 23:54:18
oh im so sorry.
hugs.
love+light to you+yours
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funkdifino
Pro
- 2008-09-16 @ 18:34:59
Thank you all for such support. I am not alone and I must remember this. I have had time to reflect and see that maybe this was necessary and maybe I was carrying him too much and too long. I still haven't seen him, though I had a couple of angry texts. I have no idea what made him flip out and he seems suddenly to be unable to communicate with me. I have been through this before, and there is a point where I have to let go and let him self destruct if this is what he is hell bent on doing.
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That is such a shame, i remember reading some of ur posts when he just got out of rehab and the struggle you's went through, maybe it's just a hiccup, but i don't know if u would be willing to give him another chance, u have always been there for him and supported him all the way, maybe you should have some time to yourself, spoil YOURSELF! for a change, i think when his honeymoon period with the drink is over then he will realise what a good, sincere, caring person he has lost, take care of yourself. Trina
xxx