Getting Lost

I took Roma home with me last night to kind of say goodbye. We had a long walk and she cuddled up on the bed with me. My brain sifted and shifted and the things he said and did revolved around and around. I tried meditation, counting back from 1000. In the end I got up and wrote him a letter.
He had promised to get the dog early before I had to go to work...I didn't expect him..he didn't turn up. As early as possible I dropped off his stuff, Roma, and the letter, which basically said we all have to face our demons or at least try and I couldn't do it for him and wasn't going to enable his irresponsible life anymore.
I always saw myself as weak for getting into drugs in the first place but I gave up heroin at a slightly younger agethan he is, and coke ten years later, both were an addiction, both fed my self destructive urges, and once I thought about it last night....it wasn't people being kind that made me strong enough to stop, it was real friends who told me my shit stank....I understand the dynamics and the need, but I had no one pulling me out of the shit everytime I fecked up, he has to grow a set.
I have to focus on my life, which I find incredibly hard- true to co-dependent form. I had to lock my phone in another room to stop myself from checking it every five seconds and resist the urge to get up in the night and drive around the places he might be to drag the bottle from his hand.
My friend pointed out a simple fact. If you run after an awol dog it will just keep running away. If you run in the opposite direction it will follow you.
I'm running.....let's see whether he can jump down off his cross and pull himself together, and if I can
resist worrying and wondering about him all the time, and love those who show me love in return.

t

Swerving and diving
you scuttle and creep,
hiding round corners,
avoidance techniques.
Duck every question,
pretend you don't hear,
fend off all contact
always unclear.
Lies coming easy
answers untrue,
twisting and turning
no holding you.
An outline so hazy
your'e just out of reach
I'm worn out by trying
not sure you are real
I need to untangle
because you can not feel.

I should have established the boundaries but somehow he managed to leave me hanging again...
I met him at his initiation -in a pub ! He didn't seem drunk but he was on something ( heavy duty downers it seemed like) and virtually incoherent so it was pointless. He admitted he needs to stop drinking but it wasn't very convincing and he's still full of self pity but oblivious to the pain he is causing to so many people. I didn't get so much as a half assed sorry...
He dashed off somewhere-he wouldn't say where or why after about ten minutes of throw away "of course I love you" blah bullshit.
Tomorrow I definitely try again and stick to my guns. He gets his stuff and a last wave.
If he uses it to justify going off on a bender, I won't feel guilty.
If he's looking for sympathy he'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

I ate calzone at a big meal with my friend the Italian psychotherapist & family & friends last night and thank god they made me laugh at myself and remember who I am and where I've been and what I know...and what I need and don't need.
I worked really hard not to try and contact Poacher or find out where he was. There were messages from his family through the day about suspected sightings-good and bad which kept the tension notched up, as I drove a round trip of four hours of very windy moorland road and had my head pulverized by 7 hours of intensive advocacy training . I had to let my (very new) manager know what was going on as I was a bit wobbly and wired as I hadn't slept at all for three nights. In the end it broke down some barriers and a few people got a bit weepy at certain harrowing sections of the training...
Then the Poacher sent a terse text to say he'd be at mine at 7. I didn't know what I wanted other than to find out exactly what happened and as far as possible why....though I already guessed impending responsibility was a major factor.. I prepared myself mentally to stay strong..and not to give in to my inner hurt baby...despite the fact that by the time he arrived the butterflies were overwhelming and i was shaking.
I knew immediately that he was still drinking from his belligerent expression and the red spots on his cheeks. I was so disappointed. He went off on his self pity tirade and I just listened, despite hearing things that no matter how true or insane, were hurtful and sad...he hasn't wanted to be with me for a while and was too scared to say anything because I went on so much about the actor and how badly he'd hurt me ...and sadly it's true... he did tell me face to face in the end, he at least had the balls to finally do that unlike the actor..
I was sad of course but I don't want to live like this anyway. Unfortunately he wouldn't completely admit that him having a drink was the problem...he still pretended firstly that he hadn't, then that it didn't matter, then that he hated everyone and himself and no one cared etc etc...I was wanting him to break down and face up to what had happened....but he didn't.
I then offered to drive him and his clothes to whichever doss house he was staying in, and he hesitated.
He started to calm a little, and I realised that even though we won't be together it doesn't matter, what is important is that he doesn't continue to drink. I showed him photos on my laptop of before and after rehab, as Jack (cheers) suggested. I also suggested if he wanted to destroy himself he should do the decent thing, and get it over quickly, instead of drip by drip and hurting other people around him.
He asked me to keep his stuff until he'd sorted his head (?) out, I told a little fib-that I wouldn't stick around to see him slowly destroy himself and had a flight booked to tomorrow......and if he wanted his stuff he had till then to decide if he could grow a spine and face life without drink or slither back into the bottle.
I'll let you know.....

Ashamed of my weakness,
in showing my hurt
in screaming my anger
of feeling like dirt
your coldness disarmed me
your violence disturbed
your hatred and mockery
was so undeserved

So I wait for an answer
that never arrives
and try and remember
how to survive
this sense that I'm
drowning and barely alive

In less than 24 hours everything you thought you had can be dashed away.
I am totally heartbroken and nothing seems to have any point. I sit here in my empty house, no Roma no Poacher and I am stunned with grief and stupified by my naiveity.
Last night, our 6 month anniversary, 5 months since he came out of rehab, the Poacher went out to hang around with a bunch of drunks, he ridiculously calls friends, who I can't stand him being around...for obvious reasons...though he knows what I think I don't bother to say anything, he does what he wants anyway.
He didn't take a key and I had no reason to suspect he would be out for long. By 1.30 am I needed to sleep so rang him. He said he would be back soon, he sounded a little over earnest , a little guilty.
By 3.30 I rang to say I was locking the door. I got a throw away text in reply.
By 8 am I hadn't slept for worrying and rang again, he was arrogant and rude..still I didn't want to believe the truth. I asked him to come and get the dog as I had to go out. He didn't turn up, he avoided me all day interspersed with rude and explosive phonecalls.
I asked him if he'd had a drink ....he denied it. I went out for a while then came back and demanded he face me. I met him near the stinking pit he was in, he stank of booze and when I broke down he spat at me and blamed me for making him drink by checking up on him and making him look small in front of his mates. Drunks always seem to treat the one who does the most for them the worst.
I am devastated.
I have gladly given months of constant care, affection and support , especially in the early days before rehab when he was quite vile...though never to me. He looked at me with hard eyed blame and hate today and bounced me off a wall.
I am putting his things in bags to hide with his family, as all the clothes and gifts I have bought him will soon be sold for drink.
Why he did it now I have no idea, though I do blame the parasitic drinkers who wouldn't leave him alone...I'll deal with them when I see them.
I went to the drunks flop house where he is staying and told his hosts thank you for destroying two people's lives overnight, they and the Poacher laughed at me. Their smirking faces are burned into my memory.
I am in so much pain. Why did I ever think I was stronger and more appealing than the feckin bottle.
I don't want to abandon him but I don't have the strength to do this if he treats me as badly as everyone else. I can't stay here and watch him descend into a bloated, bleary, belligerent, broken knuckled animal again.
Feck them for what they did to him. And feck him for choosing a bunch of tossers who wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire over me.

Despite the precipitacious Summer, looking back at some photos demonstrates that there were some glorious days...and for once, not working meant I could make the most of them. It has been a great summer for me, giving me time to process so much and really take root here. I am in much better shape than I was when I arrived, blown in on bitter winds last Winter.
I have watched the estuary change daily, and revelled in every march and vista.
I have consumed vegetables grown from seed, eggs from chickens I have fed and treated for pernicious red mite. I have cherished and loved Roma from a tiny 6 weeks to her current lolloping 5 months. I have tried to love openly and remain myself, I have learned to love my friends more by letting them in more and giving more of myself. I have learned a lot and relaxed a lot. I miss some friends and have found others.
The poacher and I have been conjoined for 6 months and though not always easy in some ways....in terms of having to accept that it is temporary, it has been very easy in others and I have much respect for the strength of character and sweet nature of the man. To remain sober, whilst all around him are still drinking as their chaotic lives implode...he has done so well.
I stayed pretty much sober too..which allowed a bit of balance.....although I had one lost weekend in fancy dress at Solfest with my oldest friends, the highlight of which was dancing to Detroit techno at 4 in the morning between Buzz Lightyear, Wonderwoman (in drag) Hitler and Osama Bin Laden...much appreciated whilst in a slightly heightened state of awareness....( San was Bugs Bunny and I Tweetie Pie -see photos..)
I managed to be much more tolerant of the hippie thing......
I got my first speeding ticket....not bad considering how many years I've got away with it....
The Poacher and I are both working now, and maybe the pressures of that will affect and change our relationship....we will see.
I am working as an advocate for people with learning difficulties....challenging out of date and repressive practices is part of my job description .....yay...however we'll see how that works in the real world of accountants and funding streams......
My MA starts at the end of the month. Free loafing time is getting scarce...but at least the roof over my head is a little more secure.
We have another free food source in the form of the quality supermarket skip...more of that later...
The health issues I was so scared about earlier are resolved, my family well and on the whole I am so much more contented than I have been for years and years.
My greatest pleasure is to walk Roma and Bob together on the beach, and watch them run in giant circles across the sand, whilst the Poacher asks his unanswerable random questions about the universe.
Now all I have to do is generate the discipline to write when I'm happy......