So I'd gotten over the rejection from Lancaster University, not good enough apparently for their MA...not sure what they want if it isn't someone who has been writing all their life and has finally put everything to one side in order to take it seriously .....someone with references from writers and academics....who has edited well known poets....anyway I'd got over that....managed not to evoke class war sentiments again....or the paranoia that someone has put the boot in somewhere..........
I was enjoying my day to day existence in my new nicely developing life. In therapy I was facing my desires and fears about having children and being honest about what I really want,,,and seriously assessing if there was still enough time.....
After a wonderful, adventure packed three months together, the Poacher and I had talked and put ourselves on the list for a small holding on a local estate....with dreams of horses, goats, pigs,hawks, dogs, guns, quads, bikes and land rovers aplenty...
Some stability and a future together...for as long as it lasts.....
A huge step for me as I said after the double whammy of relationship break up and being homeless, that I would never live with a man again....I am still so insecure in this relationship, as previously mentioned - because of the age gap, my history of fuck ups, his golden radiance and because of the number the actor twat did on me...but generally speaking I was happier than I have ever been......and fitter and healthier...
Then a subtly phrased letter from the clinic..."abnormalities in a recent smear".....Firstly it was feckin weeks ago - why the bastard delay ?
Secondly...Why do they post them to arrive at the start of the weekend so you have to wait until Monday morning to find out exactly what kind of "abnormality: we are talking about here ?
Finally I discover it is a fairly serious kind of abnormality, and now I await a hospital appointment for a biopsy...whoop de fookin doo !
Generally speaking I don't do hospitals......filthy rotten places full of germs....
I have to decide whether to tell anyone until I know what exactly the problem is....I have faced all the most serious shit in my life alone...so it seems fitting that I should do likewise this time....I can't stand being vulnerable around other people, again less so than ever after the actor's evil head game shit.
Don't know what to think or feel.....just as I was becoming ready to commit to a last ditch attempt at becoming pregnant. Guess it's true ;- you never really know what you want until you can't have it.
If it is more serious than the loss of my fertility- which rips me up anyway - .....I can't have him or anyone else feel that they have to look after me...I'll bugger off for a last goodbye to the planet...a semtex vest and take a few likely candidates with me....
Forgive the morbidity....I had convinced myself over the weekend that it was nothing.....this morning's news has been a shock....and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it...I can only write.