This week is pretty tough in terms of anniversaries, and the Horse Fair in particular is an event which resonates with painful memories.
Only two years ago this weekend I chose to throw my lot in with and put my trust in an insubstantial mirage, a shadow, after what seemed then like the romantic fulfillment of 6 months of feverish infatuation.
With hindsight it seems more like desperation to feel something again and temporary insanity, and all I remember now, is telling my then partner of 12 years that I was leaving him and watching him crumple and having to try and stay strong when I felt like the earth was spinning too fast and I was going to pass out. I regret so much of what happened and the fact that my life slowly imploded from that point. I know I wasn't happy before, but I lost so much in the process, it was done all wrong. So there is the context.
Add the hideous demise of the illusion that I ran to, in the worst most humiliating drawn out way.
Now add a poacher, bless his heart who really doesn't know what he wants and is happy for the moment bimbling around with me but the minute something more interesting pops up, he's off. Last night I left him at the allotment with his brother and as always when he's around drinkers, worried not that he would succumb necessarily,but more that someone might spike him. So waited to hear he was safely home....
I went to see friends that I have neglected and it was nice except we are all feeling for one friend whose father is dying and there is so much pain there too. It puts things into perspective as they say.
I feel for her so much and don't know what to do for her.
And the poacher didn't ring.
So I haven't slept.
The poacher rings at 8.30 this morning. All he can think of is he wants to get a rescue dog out of the paper, which means he won't be able to spend so much time at mine, and maybe not come to the horse fair......yeah and vet bills for me to pay for on top of everything else...without even discussing it...
Brush off ? I don't know but it certainly doesn't feel like my needs are being met at the moment.
Maybe I should end this before I waste anymore love on someone who doesn't really want it.
Why do I make it so easy? Even after all that's happened I try and anticipate the needs of others and fill them because that feels natural when I love someone, instead of holding back and protecting myself more.
I think the best of people, and wrongly assume they will express love in a similar fashion...or any fashion... when experience has taught me that most people think only of themselves...rightly probably. it is only fuck ups like me with no sense of self who lay down and ask to be stepped on time and time again.
I am a rationalist so how do I get so deluded about love and there being a soul mate for each of us out there when It is clearly bollocks, and people insist on pretending they love you just because it is somehow easier or gives them a sense of power ...why?
I will be strong and go to the Horse fair alone if needs be.

I need to go for a run and let the wind dry my tears before I do anything.