Getting Lost

I have done a round trip of a 100 miles every day this week to see him in rehab. He is doing amazingly and is officially detoxed and off medication....I have enjoyed spending this time with him ...he is so funny ..and just as manic...though a bit more coherent....but really what am I doing ?
Second teenage ?
I have had some time to myself this week but have been thinking during these 700 miles.....those little voices should not be ignored this time...Why do I repeat this pattern of someone else's life gradually taking over my own, until the things I want and need to do are squashed into times at the convenience of others........I was getting so organised....I don't want to lose control of my life this time..it is horrible the way I lose sight of all my personal desires and goals when I fall ...need to pick this apart more....No one asks this I surrender myself .....

The poacher looks better everyday, he is so charming and funny and we can really talk now......I am falling for real and it makes me sad because I know I can not hold on to him, have no right to. Also I can never really believe any one again after the actor...or maybe it's still a bit too soon.....I can't imagine being angry with him at the moment because whatever happens he isn't petty at all...just naturally warm and open....
He shines, glowing with good nature and mischief...he is irresistible....and I can not expect him to stay too long with me..why should he ?...
I see elements which are a repeat of the actor situation, except this time I won't stick around and try and save it when he loses interest and has gained everything he wanted..How could it be any different ?... I have to go into this realistically if at all. I can't whinge and cry when he does what is only natural for a young man with everything ahead........and this time bow out gracefully....when it's time.....nothing lasts for ever...and finally I realise why should it? Security in any form is an illusion we have become suckled with over the past few decades......
All things will end.
Until then I'll just try not to catch sight of us together in any mirrors .....and not be too blinded by another dose of the dreaded disease that I stop focusing on the good work I had started, I should know by now, the more you give in to the demands the less respected you are....So you might as well do what you need to do .......I thought my immune system had got stronger after last time......

Love is always a blessing - we learn so much from it...or can if we choose to.

I sound like an apologist I know, for mid life crisis age gap relationships...but this time it seems a bit different.....

The Poacher is actually one of the most grounded and independent men I have ever met...regardless of age....

Unlike the actor he doesn't look for problems or always assume I am being patronising and get all resentful..

Unlike the actor he is not easily intimidated, competative or jealous...

Unlike the actor he doesn't wheedle like a spoilt child when he wants something...

He is not passive aggressive.....

He is not controlling.....and impossible to please..

He is not scared of hard work...and knows how to fix stuff......

He is very sociable and can talk to, and charm anybody despite being shy....He really makes me laugh......

He is not a pretentious, narcissistic or deluded....

Despite the baggage he is very very easy to get along with....very easy to love.....

Had my weekly therapy then burned a bit further up the M6 to visit the poacher in rehab.....wow! what a difference from yesterday. Although bleary he was positive, cheerful and laughing still ....bless his resiliance and good nature. So good to see him. He had an awful night of sweats and hallucinated insects, bad dreams and spasms. All the cuts and bruises he has amassed in the past month are finally making themselves felt.
He is stunned by reality and the intensity of his level of feeling. His eyes shone. I hope once the alcohol is out of his system he doesn't get bored with all the group meetings and therapy sessions. It's a calm place and whilst he's doped he's fine...but once the librium wears off I imagine he will be twitchy as hell..........
I am falling here. I can't afford to, I have to be realistic..the chances of this making it as anything long term are slim to non-existent...maybe that's why I find him so attractive ? Maybe I either want relationships to fail...so I can justify my fear of abandonment...or I don't really want a long term relationship at all.........Not sure. Bit worried. Said I wouldn't fall like this again. Need to go away and have a word with myself.

People I love are suffering tonight. They know who they are..may they sleep in peace before dawn and be strong tomorrow.

Got back yesterday afternoon and went straight to the tattoo parlour to see the poacher...who was having yet another tat....So glad to see him. Being apart made me realise how fond of him I have become in such a short time...but also how much of my time he takes up - that is partly due to the chaos of his drinking life, which changes by the minute and is free flowing without structure..leading to my hanging around waiting for him...hopefully this will change when his head is clear again....otherwise I will have to initiate a time limit for hanging about waiting.
Hopefully sobriety also means never having to spend another sunny day stuck in the vaults of a crap pub watching the racing with a bunch of drunks in denial.....(I only did it the once. He did it every day. When he's sober will he see what a bunch of lost causes they are...who don't want to lose him as his youth and energy gives their miserable lives some credibility ?)
It worried him that his shyness would take over again, and without the drink he would be boring...nothing more boring than a drunk as far as I'm concerned..banging on about the same old incoherent shit and blaming every fecker else....not that he's really like that...he gets very angry though....as his shattered knuckles will attest, though recently he's been taking it out on the punchbag, I'm glad to say....

Lovely to spend time together last night, but also like a vigil, neither of us really sleeping knowing he was going into rehab today. He has been so happy about it, but of course the reality kicked in last night, along with the fear of failure...not helped by his father announcing that as far as he was concerned this was his son's last chance.....He was fairly manic this morning and I had to ring and let the clinic know we would be late as he procrastinated so much.

I took him to the place which felt bland and basic as such places always do....saw him flinch at the rules and regulations.....but also a touching look of resignation and vulnerability in his face I've never seen in public before.
I have seen him when he doesn't drink enough units to maintain his habit and he deteriorates very quickly...I know he is dreading tonight in particular ...he has been through this before. I half expect him to ring me later and beg me to take him home....then again he has surprised me with his will power and commitment this weekend..he could have used going into rehab as an excuse for a bender but he didn't ...he drank still, fell off a BMX and down some stairs..but he kept out of the pub and away from fights and crap.
I hated leaving him today he looked so defeated and lost, but it was such a relief to see the brutal tough guy mask slip and to see the lovely warm strong vulnerable man beneath.
I'm very proud of him.