When you spend all day thinking it's Sunday when actually it's Saturday ???? Dimanchement ??
It might be because I am an utter lightweight these days on the drinking front & got slightly pished last night.
Being in the city again had the same effect as last time..every corner, every street resonated with the memory of a meeting we had there, walking hand in hand down here....etc etc....I was wobbling so much by the time I hit town I drove into a van and pranged my shiny new vehicle..godamn! Managed to convince myself to keep a bit of perspective and use it as a wake up call to stop letting my feelings for him incapacitate me.
Things did not improve when I visited my old work place again...the same one where we met and where I had such a miserable time working In Feb.....
The place really is vile...it is an anachronistic, badly managed, financially unviable, personal ego trip for a dictatorial,fascistic old fraud, long past his sell by date who deludes himself that he is the pater familias of a democratic co-operative..peopled by a ragtag huddle of co-dependent passive aggresives who have been browbeaten and conned so long they are ill equipped and afraid to leave.....hideous...It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't pretend to be concerned with social justice.......such hypocrisy...and self delusion.....and the rats leap off as the ship goes down...
Can't even begin to paint an accurate picture of the place yet...though a thousand stories to tell at a future date....won't be long before it doesn't exist and I can spill all.....
Anyhow they owe me money - they didn't pay me...all the staff have "volunteered" to take a pay cut..cash flow problem....and then they didn't even let me install the software they promised me for my Macbookpro...how feckin rude....a second meeting was cancelled...boo!
Things improved then with a serious full on roots, highlights, haircut & all the little attendant civilities which accompany it...I have the best hairdresser in the world with the best attitude and an on going saga to keep me enthralled.....
Then in the evening a networking event at the theatre for performance poets which was brilliant -especially Malika Booker and Polarbear...very inspirational ....I have never been able to do anything more than mumble poems with head down...horrible - what a challenge , to hold the whole of the stage with just your words...
So I have signed up for performance workshops and mentoring ...MY WORST NIGHTMARE but got to be done . I will stand on that stage in June and slam for at least 5 minutes....trying to write the right something in a rhythm I can keep the pace with & remember the words in but which doesn't sound wrong for me....don't really know what that is yet....the bastard love child of Ivor Cutler and Patti Smith via Auden mixed by Saul Williams ????
I am doing it not because I am ambitious as a poet or hungry for any kind of recognition...I just want to face my fear and do it and enjoy it, for the sake of doing it, to feel it and own it and use it to try and fill a little corner of the big hole inside.
Might be another way to exorcise a piece of the past too....
