Getting Lost

I am working towards letting go of my love for him, I realise I still harbour some hope and this is what prevents me accepting it is over and leaving it behind. I suppose I can't believe it is over because I had so little say in the ending and no real goodbye...I am still angry and very hurt. I don't want to be , I want to feel love and compassion but it will take a little longer. for this reason I am not going to contact him about the money yet. I can't help the feelings I have , but I don't have to act on them, if I don't learn anything from this then it really has been a waste.

What we hold on to flees......I have been trying to hold on so tight all my life which is why I have lost everything....
I am starting to see the pieces of the jigsaw, maybe I can never have a relationship with anyone, because no one can ever replace the love that was missing when I was young, and I never want to feel so desperate and needy again, I would rather be alone forever. I used to be so bitter - o.k sometimes I still am, about the lack of commitment I have had from the men in my life, whilst I did everything I could for them.
However I did it, whatever needy pheromone I was exuding or whatever twisted way it works, I made sure I fell for damaged men who weren't capable of love or commitment.

Ta Da !

I wish I'd figured all this shit out properly twenty years ago though......

I spent nearly all weekend in family constellation workshops, with my friends the psychotherapists. Seriously intense. Much of the work was about the mother ...I felt very affected.
The work was developed by ex Jesuit missionary to the Zulu turned Psychotherapist Bert Hellinger and is a synthesis of all his understanding of quantum physics and that things only really happen if observed, Zulu methods of tribal conflict resolution and a variety of other techniques. A lot of tears , a lot of what I can only describe as near possession. very odd. I was skeptical half of yesterday and felt that it was some kind of auto suggestive con trick based on the fact that the seeker had already provided a bit of back story to the problem - and maybe this is true, but I did see at least one extraordinary transformation, and if it lets people let go of stuff in a ritualised and shared way they will really learn from and remember does it matter?
I went to see my mother afterwards. I try so hard and hate to be mean to her but am still angry at her sometimes.....I cried for an hour when I got home.
I didn't have the nerve to investigate any of my emotional minefields - I have an aversion to breaking down in front of people - but they have all pretty much broken down in front of me, so I can trust them a little more...so in a fortnight I shall attempt to let go of the anger and let go of HIM as much as I can in a session...and let go of all the other painful relationships I have dragged around for years, due to "interrupted reaching out movement" - when a child does not have love from its mother in the early years of its life, it leads to a neurotic cycle whereby a person is desperate for love but can not trust it and pulls away from it for fear of losing it.
Takes a bit of doing to break the habits of a lifetime, but fuck it there's nothing left to lose......