I thought I was making progress ..and maybe I am as I don't cry so much..but that is only because I hide from any reminders..as soon as any slight connection appears - and they are feckin everywhere! - I bubble like a baby..I thought about him pretty much constantly today and yesterday.....
Churning over and over whether I should be angry or sad, forgiving or vengeful, compassionate or implacable. Should I contact him or leave it ?
I wrote the 45th letter I didn't send to his mother......and tried to think of all the controlling, jealous nastiness of which there was a fair amount..and the one thing that hardens my resolve is the memory of when he lied about his e-mail to his ex girlfriend ..but to be honest I remember more the gentle, sweet and tender man....who sang to me with his guitar and ran my baths and cooked my tea and gave the best ever massages and kissed me in the crazy interior rain of Fuerza Bruta and whilst we watched Arcade Fire in Barcelona.....and who I skinny dipped with and canoed with and walked and took pictures with filmed with and travelled miles and miles with....and did so much in so short a time with, who showed me so much....my best friend who I miss so much.